Jax and I had not been a couple for awhile. We decided together that I would go off my meds and we would try for a baby. And I got sick. All by myself.
I understand, I really do, how very unapproachable I was, but he should have tried. In the end, I approached him. I apologized. We had a good talk. I was left feeling more alone. He never apologized, but at the time I was willing to shoulder the responsibility. I was very unapproachable.
We decided to give it another go, but it never went anywhere so I approached him again. I asked him how he felt and he confessed he couldn’t get past a couple of things. I was defensive. I felt abandoned. But there was no going back. It was over.
So I went out with someone. It was then that he told me he’d been chatting up this girl since the 4th of July. Would he never have told me? He let me go on thinking all this time that there was still a chance for us. It took a lot of courage to face him, fearing rejection – and finding it! But it was the right thing to do.
And all that time, he was seeing someone else. I don’t understand how people don’t consider omission a lie. He deceived me. He never once came to me truthfully in that relationship. I really was all alone.
I’m hurt. I’m so embarrassed. I’m ashamed of my behavior. And I’m so angry! He’s convinced that everything bad about us was me. He did “everything he could.” He did nothing! He left me to guess at our standing, and forced me to initiate every conversation. He should have told me.
I thought he was a good man. I don’t think he’s a bad person, but I do find him weak. It infuriates me that he sits there martyred, convinced he tried everything. I see no effort or companionship at all.
Auditioning was a good trick. I got Adelaide. I will go back on my meds just to get through the show, and I will recover.
Botox was a good trick. They called for actresses aged 25-34 years.
I am alone. I don’t believe that I can find what I’m looking for. I also suspect that I wouldn’t be satisfied with it if I did. I do see my own faults, and the reasons for our demise that I’m responsible for. I have lost hope, though, and that makes me really sad. I don’t think others believe in honesty like I do. It’s not enough not to tell lies. You have to tell the truth. Not to is a lie. I don’t think others feel that way.
I think it was a really shitty thing for him to do, and I’m hurt.
I had to go back on Facebook. It’s where cast notes and updates are posted. It seems everything I missed was saved and waited for me. I tried really hard not to read what my brother Aaron wrote to me there. I missed most of it, but caught the last line, which was that Dan had a bad night. “Get over it.” Also, arguments and I go together like – something poetic – so he thought nothing of it. That’s not true. I’ve never argued with him. I’ve only ever spoken up when the racist rhetoric crept up. And it always did.
Dan attacked me. He was wrong. I didn’t do that. It’s inappropriate to tell me to get over it. What he did was very serious and frightening. I’m not responsible for any of it, but I am blamed for it. It’s far more than that that I’m unable to let go now. It’s my family’s lack of concern for my well-being. It’s the discovery that I am truly unloved and alone.
I’ve only ever fought with my mother. And everyone has fought with my mother. How is it that others can have disagreements, but not me? I’m just a problem to be dismissed and ignored. And belittled and blamed, apparently. The bottom line is they don’t love me. They don’t care what happens to me. When they see it themselves, they reconstruct it to make me the author of it. No one is held responsible for how they treat me, but if I have feelings or responses to it, well… Shut up, Christie. Get over it.
I’m going to finish this show and disappear into obscurity. I think it’s a wise plan to go away and live quietly with my cats and plants. I’m going to save on rent and invest in a nice, new car to see me through the next couple of decades. After the kitties die, I’ll travel until I don’t feel like it anymore. Then I’ll find a way to put a roof over my head and live until I don’t.
I do think I can get out of this deep chasm. I don’t expect to find happiness, but I can feel better. It’s sad to lose hope, but I can’t have relationships. I expect too much and punish too severely. If I don’t complicate my tenuous grasp on mental health, I can get through the rest of my life without hurting anyone else. Including me.
I can retire from musical theatre at last. I got Adelaide. It’s all I’ve ever wanted from the stage, and I’ve had some amazing surprises and fun along the way. I’m glad I went back.
I went off my meds at this time last year. We decided officially to consider ourselves a couple. The 4th of July was a very giddy time. We drove high above the city and watched fireworks across the entire valley, canoodling, giggling, high as the 4th of July.
Jax claims that there were some things he “just couldn’t get over,” but he did, until he met her. I sensed him pulling back and talked to him about it. He cited those things, and didn’t mention her at all. Omission is a lie.
He hides until the problem goes away on its own, or someone else does the dirty work. I do the dirty work. I have to have authenticity, cohesion, understanding, honesty. I went to him, every time. No answer was his answer, and it was up to me to figure it out. At last, I sussed out that we were finished. He confirmed. He called it off, but he didn’t say a word. I talked about it face to face, and then I went out with someone.
You know, when we first started flirting, I tried to put the brakes on it. I didn’t want to jeopardize our friendship. We did it anyway. Merging out of it, I felt like we moved almost seamlessly back to friends. Until I found out. He’d been chatting her up for a week. That’s why we were through, not because of any sudden deal-breakers he found in me. Was he never going to mention her? What if I hadn’t gone on that date? How long would he have let me hope that someday we might get the “and then some” back?
This is exactly how he left his last girlfriend to start up with me. I made him promise to tell her. I was afraid she would hate me, but we had to tell her the truth. She was so nice to me! When we went to her birthday party, I thanked her for being so great about it. She thanked me for telling her face-to-face. She’d guessed, but Jax never said a word.
I got upset with him for not telling her. He said he did, but she forgot. She drinks a lot.
He did the exact same thing to me when it was my turn to be cast off. He’s a liar.
I have to let it go. I’m so pissed, and so sad. I understand a lot of it. I hold myself responsible for most of it. But I can’t trust him, or respect him. I have to let him go.