Tonglen Says…

… I get to breathe in bitter disappointment when I feel it. I’m alright. Nothin’ wrong with feeling shitty every now and then. However, I agree that:

“Complaining continues to create the vibration of what you don’t want. Today, take your focus off of what is wrong and focus on what is right and how you desire things to be. Put all your love, energy, mental power and decision-making toward what you want, and do not entertain thoughts that are to the contrary. You are more responsible for the way you feel than your environment, circumstances, or relationships. Step toward love today, step toward the solution.” – Jackson Kiddard, Author

That was a nice reminder.

I know the solution. Estrangement and love are not mutually exclusive. They can coexist quite nicely. They already have. I’m down today, and fine.

I Feel Like A Failure

It’s been doggin’ me all week.

Last weekend, I attended a 50th Anniversary reunion at Playmill Theatre.playmillFor the happy version, visit my travelogue: http://dreamermadwoman.blogspot.com/2013/06/playmill-theatre-celebrates-fifty-years.html

I put a lot of pressure on myself to “get it right” in Yellowstone. My last two trips were pretty disgusting. I hitch-hiked out of the Park in 2007 to get away from the nastiest, bickering old friends of mine. All I could think was how we were traumatizing some granny from Iowa on a Bucket List trip of a lifetime to the oldest national park in America. They were screaming at me at a rest stop and cursing, so I just walked away and stuck out my thumb. I still can’t get that horrified woman’s face out of my mind. (I am proud of my behavior with those two hostile people. Never once did I participate in kind. But I was still there to be a scar on some innocent midwesterner’s experience of a thrilling, beautiful place.)

The second, in 2010, was all my fault. I flipped out on an ex-boyfriend, when I should never have agreed to a road trip with him. He’s jealous, judgmental, and not very bright, bless him, and I am responsible for my behavior! He was just so negative and controlling. It’s still up to me to behave. I didn’t. I’ve used my sharp tongue to destroy more than one person in my life. I recognize that it’s not my fault that childhood abuse formed neurotic pathways in my brain, but I am determined to exorcise verbal violence from my toolkit before I die. ‘Til then, I have some real self-loathing to contend with when it comes to certain memories. That trip is one of them.

Right now, my memory of a good weekend is marred by an argument with my sister. I didn’t make it out without another fight! I’d had such a wonderful time, and one phone call ruined everything. Ugh. I called to ask how long she thought it would take to drive through the Park. I wanted to see the Wyoming side of the Tetons with joyful reconnections fresh on my mind, to replace that drive in utter silence with my brutalized ex. I wanted to see it… clean. But I’d have another hour-and-a-half to get to Rexburg from Jackson. Better off just to drive the hour-and-a-half from West Yellowstone, we determined.

“What’ll I do all day?” I laughed.

“I have a big dinner planned for the afternoon,” she offered.

“Oh, Mel,” I lamented. “I hope you can understand why I can never come into your home while he’s there [her husband].”

“Well, he didn’t come in when you picked up the car,” she pointed out. (Why would I suspect that he’d be home on a Thursday? In any case, I wouldn’t have gone in if my nieces hadn’t wanted to show me their new kittens.) (So stinkin’ cute!)

“Okay?” I wondered.

“And when I asked if you could use the car, he said, ‘Yes, that’s very important to her.'”

“I appreciate that.”

“And he did all that work on it.”

“I thanked you for that, too. You said it needed to be done anyway.”

“I’m just trying to tell you he’s not the monster you think he is.”

“I never said he was a monster. I know he’s a whole, complex person. But he did a monstrous thing.” (And, still, no one has ever apologized.)

“He loaned you his car, Christie.”

“I borrowed my sister’s car.”

“It’s ours. I don’t want to talk about it anymore.” Click. Just like mom. (“End of conversation!”) Just like Christmas 2011. (“I don’t want to hear it.”)

I texted that I was prepared to disagree and maintain mutual respect, and would have preferred a good-bye to a hang-up. She claimed that she said good-bye, then repeated how generous Dan had been with that car. I gave in to childish rage and replied, “Well, if I owe Dan my honor and reverence for your car, I guess I owe you shared responsibility for the team act running me out of your home. You say yours, won’t hear mine, he’s the muscle that shuts me up.”

She still pretends he never attacked me, when she’s the one who held him off of me! She’s delusional, and I’m sick of everyone in my family putting words in my mouth, drawing conclusions about me, and telling me what a horrible person I am!

In West Yellowstone, I saw the shuttle bus. I had no idea they’d extended the route. I knocked on the door and said to the driver, “You mean I took the Express to Rexburg to borrow my sister’s car to drive here, when you could have brought me?”

“Don’t you feel stupid now?” he teased me.

Boy, did I ever the day I drove out.

I hate my family and my role in it. I hate that I can’t stop playing my part perfectly! And then I blame them when they don’t see me as anything other than an ungrateful child. I hate that I am the only one who’s willing to acknowledge fault and still come back and try. I can’t anymore. I’d already made peace with that, but I didn’t realize I can never see them again. It SUCKS.

So I didn’t have time to drive through the Park. I decided to stop by the family cabin, which my grandparents sold in the 90s. Island Park is too crowded now. The cabin is different. And run down. I focussed on the happy memories made there and took a small walk.

Then I went to Mesa Falls, where Melanie took me in 2007 when she rescued me from the angry lesbians. I hoped to spend some time sending her love and gratitude. The thing about my sister is that she truly is the kindest, purest, most sincere and beautiful human being EVER. She only wants love and happiness for everyone. But she puts blinders on to feel it! And she’s as big a dictator as mom ever was. She will not listen to anything I say. Not even to learn that I’m not the monster she clearly thinks I am!

I couldn’t find Mesa Falls. It was the stupidest thing. The turn off said 14 miles and it never appeared. I went back and forth and back and forth, rereading every sign. I couldn’t find it. I felt like such a failure. All I wanted was huge water to deafen me and wash the ick off of me of total failure, yet again .

Mel standoffishly drove me to the shuttle stop, and I blathered about how great the trip had been just so we wouldn’t sit in silence.

In fact, I wish I hadn’t gone. I think/hope that will pass. Good times were had. Just not enough to justify how much money I spent to see and do things I’ve seen and done a million times. Especially when I failed to just get along, already! I really hate my family. I hate what it means to be in my family: that we do not tolerate difference, we do not listen to one another, we do not apologize. We do not, according to my definition, actually love each other. Or if we do, we’re really bad at it.

To me, my family means failure. “If you find yourself continuing to speak to someone who cannot hear you, then neither of you is listening.” ‚ÄĒ Charlie Morris

Ugh!

Rats! Curses!

It’s hard to feel like “Success is showing up” when you show up with quivering voice, forgetting your breath, ruining your phrasology and musicality. It was… not good.

First, the age-old problem of hands. What the hell do I do with my hands? Amateur! You never clasp your hands. If you can’t engage in a natural way, they hang at your side!

Next, eye contact… I could NOT look at them. So I tried the over-their-heads trick, but then I thought, “No, you’ve already broken the fourth wall. Too late to sing to an invisible audience now. PERFORM! Look at them and sell it!”

So there’s ME have this internal dialogue – not a character, not a professional – lacking any joie de vivre! I was completely removed, talking to myself, not to them.

You know what’s worse than singing a big song? Disappearing inside of it. “You Can Always Count On Me” is such an easy piece to love, but I was a frightened little girl, certainly no woman known by “lots of smirking motel clerks who call me Mrs. Smith.”

They did let me finish. It was hell, but the girl before me was cut off. I think they could see that I can sing; I was nervous. They gave me ample time and opportunity to relax into my performance. I didn’t! In the second verse, I made exactly the same mistakes with my breath as I did in the first. Only this time, rather than cheat the breath in, I just ran out and faltered weakly at the end of the phrase!

I’m disappointed. But resolved, I suppose. Voice lessons it is. I didn’t practice sufficiently. That’s all there is to it.

They liked my joke. ūüôā

Through The Store Window

I try, I really try.¬†That’s¬†what we’re all¬†doing here. Hence,¬†they must be trying, too, but from my perspective my family is comprised of¬†walking shells. “Turn a blind eye…” Repression, fear, and the unexamined self make for superficial, unfulfilling relationships that I cannot abide. I devolve into my lowest self, that angry brat who insists she will be HEARD, dammit! The more I demand it, the more they zombie out. For me, they are crazy-makers. I have to walk away. It¬†is the act of courage it takes to grow up at long last and, in future, treat them and myself with gentleness, respect, and love. Developmental trauma’s a bitch. But¬†I continue to¬†repent myself, re-parent myself, forgive all of us and look on¬†the whole sorry lot¬†with tenderness and compassion. For now, I can do it only from the outside looking in.

“Friends are god’s way of making up for family.” I have been blessed with the companionship of like partners who¬†treat each other as the therapist’s couch, and laugh and cry and love and hug and connect. There is nothing superficial about my urban family.

I never dreamed that my family of origin and I would fail, but the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result, as they say. They cannot be different. I must be.

Grow up, Darling Daughter. The time is now. Forgive. And remember, you cannot perceive the future. Not even with your connection to Spirit.

“… which¬†they dismiss as utterly insane!” I scream back at my angels. I’m loath to let¬†go my screaming little banshee. She protected me for a long time.¬†¬†

*sigh*

We’ll love in our own broken way. At an arm’s length that is miles and miles long. My heart breaks to acknowlege my personal truth. Historically and currently, my immediate family is¬†harmful to my mental health. And I to theirs. Blah.

I miss them. I mourn the loss of a dream of domestic bliss with them.

I been cryin’. Must be Christmas.

(Super stoked for 2013! Hope we don’t all die next week. ūüôā hehehe.)

I’m Purely Wicked

Let’s just compare, shall we? The kind of energy people choose to put out there. Now granted, the energy I’m going for is needy and obnoxious. “I’m so cute! Adore me!” But really… I’m so cute! Adore me! And anyway I’ve long said, “I want someone to adore me, because I WANT SOMEONE TO ADORE.” I dress to inspire happiness, laughter, whimsy. I dress to attract beautiful, playful, [hopefully-]kind¬†people.

And granted, it was Halloween. There were ghouls a-plenty, and appropriately so.¬†Oh, I’m going straight to hell, and I’m sure to delete this later. But it’s that time of year again, renewal, readjustment, recommitment. I binge¬†on food¬†and purge¬†emotional bile ’til next year. Every year. Hm. Now… I gloat. What do you think¬†this person is putting out there?:

Seriously Awesome Make-Up

I’m sure Rudy wouldn’t appreciate me using his photography in this way, but this is really under my craw… ’cause here’s another picture of the real reason I’m sad. My darling Tomas. My heart hurts.

Perfect!

He really nailed it this year! The American boxer(s)? Come on! He rarely lets himself get tipsy – the consummate host – but he let himself go this night and there was no understanding his accent, haha!