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This popped up in my newsfeed today and sparked a fun memory from 2010 that I shared on Facebook, that I wanted to jot down here real quick to sort of bookmark my feelings right now, that I don’t have time to right about. (Phew!) I’ll try to get right on it so I don’t lose the mojo, but for now suffice to say… FESTIVAL MAGIC!!!!!

Oh my gosh, I’m buzzing! I haven’t been to a festival in 2 years and Building Man was a new one for me. It was one of the best, most magical festivals I have ever been to! More on that later (hopefully).

Til ‘then, here’s a happy little nugget from my history with Marko, my magic festival man that I met 10 years ago at Burning Man, the artist who changed my life and continues to prove himself as one of my very favorite people, ever, for my whole life, period. 😉

marko and me

Mexico with My Man Marko!

“Marko,” I scolded him over beers on the beach. “How am I supposed to find my Sugar Daddy when everyone looking at us thinks I already have?”

“Just tell them I’m your spiritual adviser,” he answered. “And tell him you have to have me by your side at all times, so I can get in on the travel, too.”

(That was a good idea. Maybe he is my spiritual adviser!)

I had just finished compiling the stories and content for “Notes from 1969” with Marko, so I took it a step further. (I always do.)

“You’re my spiritual adviser and I’m your personal biographer!”

That was a great trip. I love that man!

****
(In the photo, I have no eyebrows. I had just had a bad bout of trichotillomania. I don’t remember it, but through my life I can see a picture and tell you, “Oh. I had trichotillomania right around that time.” This was a bad one, above. I probably had big, missing chunks of eyelashes, too. Trichotillomania is so weird. I have a friend who has it so bad she creates enormous bald spots on her scalp and has to wear wigs! I’ve only ever pulled out my eyelashes and eyebrows, but that’s weird enough. It’s a nervous condition/ impulse control disorder kind of thing. It’s on a spectrum – My case is pretty mild compared to my friend, for example – and there’s a lot of shame associated with it. There are some celebrities that are open about it. Google it.)

****

Viva Mexico!

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Welcome To Miami!

Wandering along South Pointe Pier, we met Captain Dave The Gay Wave, who invited us aboard his half-million dollar boat. We watched the sunset, dove into the bay, and danced and drank into the night with a French couple and 2 Swiss girls.

How lucky can I get?!
jax-and-capt-daveboat-crewon-the-boatsunset

Jax’s brother performs with Cirque du Soleil, so I got a ticket for only $40. (Jax has seen it several times, so he watched from the light booth for free.) La Nouba is put on by Disney, so Dustin got us FREE entry to all the parks!!! We made it to 4: Typhoon Lagoon, Animal Kingdom, Disney’s Hollywood, and Epcot Center.

la-nouba

That’s Jax’s brother, flying!

Our 3 days in Miami, however, were the real show-stopper! I think this was my favorite vacation. The energy, connection, and fun felt like Burning Man – effortless, wild, magical!
pinata

What Happened?

Maybe writing is like reading: Stop doing it for awhile, and years later you find you just… stopped. That happened to me after I finished my English degree. I was so burned out I said, “I’m not reading again until I feel like it!”

Five years later, I realized I hadn’t read a book in 5 years! I never did “feel” like it, just had to do it. I love to read. I can’t believe how easy it was to forget.

So much has happened, too. Like real, cool stuff to write about, beyond my trademark ramblings and wonderings. I took 2 of the best trips of my life. PORTLAND – reconnecting with an old friend – and ESCALANTE/GRAND STAIRCASE – reconnecting with the Earth and my feet on it! (I needed that after Spain 2 years ago, and Texas and New York last year. I was beginning to think I can’t do this travel thing.)

Ha! I still don’t feel like writing. Suffice that they were awesome trips, full of beauty, joy, magic, adventure, bravery, success, and fun. Now, see pics:

Sat. May 21, 2016

Young redhead in braids at Portland’s Redhead Event

hoops

I made hoops. They were a huge hit!

pippi

We had to bring a childhood pic to be counted. (We were far short of the World Record, but 600+ are more ginge than I’ve enjoyed!) May 21, 2016

rojo

ROJO came to the Redhead Fest! I’ve been in love with him since I saw him on Unlikely Animal Friends on Nat Geo. I almost started crying! I fan-girled OUT.

Rojo the Llama of Mountain Peaks Therapy Llamas and Alpacas

lara and me

International Rose Test Garden with old friend, Lara, who was such a warm and gracious host. It was such a fun, comfortable visit. I began to have travel anxiety when I realized, “No, I’m safe. I just have to ask for what I need.” She was so non-judgy and nice to me!

japanese garden

Japanese Garden, where I became convinced that Portland is a land of fairies under a green canopy, where the Mother breathes and loves and pulses and heals. My friend Renae told me to expect a transformation!

ross island

Ross Island in the Willamette River… This is bikeable green space IN the metropolis! I rode 8+ miles my first day.

*****

calf creek falls

Lower Calf Creek Falls

slot canyon

pictographs

Pictographs!

boulder ut

Boulder, UT, is a funky artist/outdoorfolk enclave.

 

*****

Oh, and a quick weekend at my roommate’s family lodge in Wyoming! June 2016lodgepond

black's fork

Black’s Fork River only crosses the property three times, but it splits off into so many tributaries that I felt like I crossed it a dozen times!

old schoolhouse

Old schoolhouse

jax

Roomie on a Rope Swing

soaked

I struggled on my dismount and went for a swim!

7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7!

WOW! Today was such a stressful and fretful day. I came home from work last night to find my little fatty’s ear had swollen with some kind of huge cyst or abscess. I took her to the vet this morning and had to worry all day.

I finally spoke to the vet, who diagnosed an aural hematoma. He couldn’t explain why she got it; She had no signs of former ear infection, which often is found to be the trigger. Ultimately, it will cost me nearly a thousand dollars. goy! *sigh*

hehe

hehe

While I was on the phone with the vet, I got a call from an unknown number. I returned the call immediately upon hanging up to learn that the nurse from my dermatologist’s office had gone already, having closed the office early that day.

Sure enough, she’d left a voicemail. But here’s the thing: I had a little bad patch of skin removed from my hand 2 weeks ago. The doctor didn’t think it was anything to worry about. Neither did I. Just figured, at mid-life, it’s time to start that maintenance. He said he’d call if there was any cause for concern, not expecting there would be.

I clarified, “Okay, so you’re sending this to the lab and when I don’t hear from you, I don’t need to call panicking, ‘I had this thing biopsied and I never heard back…'”

“No. We’ll call you if it’s anything to be concerned about.” So this chick leaves me a message at the end of her day and leaves me to worry ALL NIGHT LONG about what the hell she was calling to tell me.

So then I reframe it. “Okay, Christie. It’s an opportunity to practice patience and calm. You don’t have a choice, so just be.” I took a breath. “Anyway, it’s nothing. It’s probably something clerical or stupid, in which case it’s an opportunity to prepare to treat the caller with respect when you finally reach her, even though she created unnecessary worry for you.” (It’s not administrative. Otherwise, a clerical agent would have called.)

In any case, it is what it is and I get to sit in the not knowing all night. Okay. I called my mom. We ended up having a lovely conversation. We’ve been speaking more and more the last couple of months. It’s been nice.Today, especially so.

****

I picked up my little fat kitty cat from the vet, and as I sat waiting for the cab I noticed the door of the pet hospital: “Hours: Mon.-Sat. 7-7, 7-7, 7-7, 7-7, 7-7, 7-7.”

Oh my gosh! It’s 7-7!

Oh my gosh! It’s Christine’s birthday! She was apprehended and questioned by the police, on her birthday, for the physical assault that occurred 2 days previously as I tried to escape last year. I was delighted that they were located and hauled in at all, but especially that it happened on her birthday. I knew there would be no consequences for them. I’m sure the whole inconvenience took no more than an hour. All I wanted was for her to know that she did not get away with it. I know who you are. I know what you did. It was wrong, and you know it, too.attack Christine loved that her birthday was 7.7.72. The reason for my visit last year was to celebrate our friendship one last time before finally phasing her out. She didn’t know my plan. I intended to celebrate her with one last round of blind drunkenness, and move on. You can’t get wasted enough to enjoy her company anymore, and I just wasn’t going to feel guilty about it any longer.

I wanted a cute pic, but this was all she'd give me.

I wanted a cute pic, but this was all she’d give me.

I’m so grateful to be home and healing, continuing to learn. My family is getting better, stronger. My new boundaries are effectively protecting me. I still feel a lot of pain and sorrow for the difficulty we experience(d) as a profoundly ill family, especially as I watch the trauma become more disruptive for one of my dear brothers. I think he’ll have a lifelong journey with Depression and anger, and so far I don’t have a lot of confidence that he’ll even look at it as something to recover from and live with. Pray for him?

Things are good.

My angels greet me now and then through numbers, and I don’t care if believing that makes me mad. 🙂 Sometimes it’s just a little nod, a hello, but I’ve never got one like SEVEN sets of SEVEN in a row! What a reminder to take stock and express gratitude. Thank you, angels!7 of heartsWow. I got a new follower moments after publishing this post. I checked out her site and right there on the front page was a post called A Copper Penny In Your Eyes. Pennies became one of the first symbols of angel communication for me. I asked my Grandpa [after his passing] to send pennies. He answered. I was practically knocked out by pennies from heaven, there were so many the first 5 or so years. It’s less frequent now, and less personal. I don’t feel his energy, exactly, every time. It’s just a smiley face for me each time I see one now, but after the connection I had with Spirit this afternoon, I can’t help but find it to be a confirmation of the day I had and the feelings it inspired.

All is well. “Cuddle doon, me bairney,” Grandpa might say.
pennies and quarterThe author of that poem used pennies to represent the low regard in which a false friend held her. Nevertheless, my meaning for pennies remains untarnished and the poem itself is quite profound and well-written, about honoring oneself and drawing on courage to stand tall in the truth of who you are. (A timely nod after my reminder of Spain today, and confirmation that I did well to leave my own false friend.) Check it out.

Fatty’s surgery is slated for SEVEN SEVENteen at SEVEN a.m.
I don’t make this stuff up.
(For those of you keeping track, that SEVENteen SEVENS in a row.)

*****

“The repeating Angel Number 7 indicates for you to keep up the great work you’ve been doing of late. Your angels are telling you that you are on the right life path and that you will find that things of a positive nature will flow freely for you.  Your job is to maintain your momentum and enthusiasm, with the highest outcomes for all in focus.

Angel Number 777 is a positive sign and means that you should expect miracles to occur in your life.”

I love this site by Joanne Sacred Scribes. I don’t remember when I first found it, but I just love it! 77777777777777777! http://sacredscribesangelnumbers.blogspot.com/

THE YEAR OF THE ANSWER IS WORKING! 42! (7×6, like the wall of the vet clinic. 🙂 )
Mid-life is kind and difficult and funny and strange and wonderful and MIRACULOUS!

Chrissy-Squared Barcelona*

I measure my life in anniversaries. One year ago… It’s been a year since… [this trauma or that]. I need to add more frequent progress measurements to my skill-set for living fully, to help myself more quickly and effectively along the process of recovery. Life careens at speeds I couldn’t imagine pre-midlife! 🙂 I don’t have time for this shit anymore, and I’m not interested. I want to heal faster and move on to the great joys and opportunities my life presents. I’m extraordinarily fortunate.

The Year of The Answer is NOW. I’m creating the future I want now. I want to see more significant healing in all future “years from now.” Next, I plan to see fewer and fewer traumas, because I finally understand how to spot danger (or believe myself when I do). I trust my intuition and make safer choices. I deserve to be well, and I owe no one an explanation! I AM WORTHY.

I’m tripping out over what just happened!

I’ve been working for Big Brothers Big Sisters for a month now. Just this moment, I decided to empty my shelves of books I no longer need – for donation – and came upon my Spain journal. I LEFT TO VISIT MY FRIEND A YEAR AGO TOMORROW! I only realized yesterday that the was anniversary was so close upon me.

The journal begins, “Um, I’m being held captive in a 3-story mansion with a pool and poolhouse, and a view of the Mediterranean, by 2 drunken, violent addicts who deserve each other.”

My trips this year – to the Gulf Coast and NYC – were eclipsed by a previously un-experienced level of anxiety. Except for 10 days in the home of my best friend’s family in Texas, I was freaking out the whole time I was on the road! I’m not an easy traveler. I’m not an easy person. But this was full-blown panic. I couldn’t help but consider that I’m still suffering from PTSD. I cringe to hear myself say it, because that illness belongs to heroes. Selfless, courageous people who would die for me without even knowing me. I’m just a spoiled girl who travels the world, and doesn’t do it very well! Boo hoo.

But it didn’t take long after Spain to realize that I was the perfect candidate to suffer under the “care” of my former friend Christine and her disgusting life-partner, Brian, because I reverted to the child who couldn’t leave. Who had to find a way to love the people abusing her! And make sense of love that hurts. I was never safe then, and I couldn’t protect myself or get away. In Spain, I turned into the terrified, dependent girl who still grieves in me. Until I got out. And I did get out.

It will stay with me forever, but I’m learning. I’ll do that forever, too.keep-calm-and-viva-españa-30

* We called ourselves Chrissy Squared: 2 girls and a childhood nickname shared.

the last time I enjoyed her company

Oct. 2009

That Helped

I snapped out of my malaise a day or 2 after I wrote about it. I can’t imagine it was that cathartic to get it out, particularly when I never achieved any understanding or epiphany – you know how I am – but it was such a long, persistent period of ennui, it seems significant that it lifted at all. I firmly believe in complaining.

And I’m so excited for Hottie Hoop Camp!!! I’ll be in Texas in less than 3 weeks!

I’m going to buy my first polypro! I’m bringing a few didjboxes; A girl there has a son who’s a musician and plays the didgeridoo.

I can’t wait to see the baby!!! A whole week of baby!

Beach! Mansion on stilts on beach! BABES ONLY! hottiehoopcamp.com

Graduation

growth
This blog has served its purpose. I am worthy. It just happened. I’m still rather in shock. I’m certain I didn’t believe this transformation would ever take place. Instead, I expected to search and grow and learn for the rest of my life, which, of course, I will. But I’m worthy. I’m not trying to feel worthy. You know how it is when intellectual knowledge doesn’t match emotional truth. It does now. It was overnight. I suppose it was over 2 weeks in Spain. I’m grateful for the friend who attacked me. I was almost clinical about her brutality and chaos. At once, I released the need to demystify it. I don’t care, and I don’t need to. I have understanding and empathy for it, but no interest in it. Choose out, or don’t. I’m done.

I drew upon a strength and dignity I didn’t know I had. Or, I guess I did; I just hadn’t successfully applied it yet. For all of adulthood, I’ve bemoaned the many failures to stay above the fray, my repeated decision to return slight for slight. In Spain, I did everything right. My friend sought to injure and wound me nearly every day. I never mirrored her behavior. I didn’t tolerate it, either. I was firm. I insisted that she respect my boundaries. She didn’t. Still, I wouldn’t match her hatred. The last thing I said as I escaped her at the Hard Rock Hotel in Ibiza was “I don’t hate you.” It’s the first time in my life I didn’t respond to cruelty, disappointment, heartache, betrayal, or any manner of difficult emotion without hatred. “I don’t hate you.”

“I DON’T CARE!” she screamed, still hitting and scratching me.

I grabbed her wrist and met her eye! “I don’t hate you.”

I walked away.

I am filled with light and love. I’ve created and maintained a remarkable Chosen Family of beautiful, powerful, strange, delicious people who love me, themselves, all life, and the world. I am love, and the second I landed on home soil I walked into love. My life has been here all along. I’m finally in it, now. I LOVE MY LIFE.

¡Estoy bendecida! I am blessed!
http://dreamermadwoman.blogspot.com/2014/07/spain-y-ibiza-2014.htmlsenseless dramakarmalet no man