First Audition of the Year

I scheduled my audition today for Voyeur. It’s on Wednesday at 2:35 p.m. Ack! I had an upbeat song in the arsenal but they want a comedic, upbeat song. I have something else in mind, just need to find it at the library and refamiliarize myself with the lyrics.

Here’s my headshot. It’s fine, inasmuch as I look fine. I just lacks an “It” that says, “I belong on the stage, YOUR stage!” I don’t know. I’m sure I’m psyching myself out.
headshot 2012Oh, and there’s the small problem of the audition notice, which calls for men and women ages 20 – 30. Uhhhhh, yeah. I’m… outside the box, ‘s all.

(Jan. 19) My actress friend (Glee, Parks & Rec) said it will do for my audition Wednesday, but to try in future for something with more “zhuzjh.” I guess I’ll have to pay someone I don’t know. It’s hard to pose for anyone familiar. This one, by my bestie, is by far the best I’ve taken, but a stranger provides more freedom to vamp it up, ham it up, sex it up, glam it up until there are enough to choose from that don’t look like, “Okay, let’s be done and order pizza.” My professional friend told me to crop it, so here it is very, VERY close. Egad!

I see into your  soul and pores!

I see into your soul and pores!

What do you think? I’m nervous!

Oh my gosh… Rudy! Oh Christie, honestly. You had time enough to get this done. How is he not occurring to you until days before it’s due? I adore Rudy and we visit at fair length on the urban scene… where he’s my photographer! I think I would feel comfortable enough in that awkward sitting-by-your-cheesy-self setting that I could relax and settle into an hour or so of portraiture with him. And the friend-price is sure to match my budget. Phew!

Ugh… Now I’m being told the trend is color vs. black & white. Guess I’ve been out of the biz for near 2 decades. ūüôā Ah well, it is what it is for now. I don’t expect much anyway. I’m just glad for audition practice. My goal is a call back. Success is showing up.

Manifest 2013

Turn 40! Jump out of an airplane – at last! – on my birthday, April 27th… weeeee!

Go paragliding on my bestie’s 40th – June 18th… weeeee!

you are

Fit and Fabulous and Forty is living¬†AWAKE and all the way. Here’s how I’ll do it:

Eat actual food… Learn a new recipe every month… Play with slowcooker and solar.

Lose this 15 pounds! No reason not to be my high school weight. Healthy, strong, trim. (Binge-eating/food addiction journal?)

Coffee and Diet Pepsi are occasional treats, not daily necessities. Green tea.

I am smoke free. Completely smoke free. Not one cigarette. Bright, clean, pink lungs!

Move to a place with more space, SUN SUN SUN, and cheaper rent (suburbs, gulp).

Surround myself with plants.

Write every day… journal… blog… poetry…¬†vignettes…¬†articles… Write every day.

Master circular breathing…¬†Didge daily… Play with others… Meditate

Pray every morning… Angels said Leaf Pose for me… Pray every morning. For reals.

Choose gratitude every day, even the bad ones. I sit peacefully at the center of my life.

Read A Course In Miracles! A miracle a day for me in two, zero, one, and three!

Study throat chakra blockage and clearing… Heal it… and others… eventually…

Get voice coach… Learn 2 each,¬†upbeat song and ballad… Have them at the ready.

Identify and perfect 2 monologues,¬†comedic and¬†dramatic… At the ready…

Audition for everything… Fail gloriously!…¬†Relish every chance to improve and learn… Have fun! ENJOY the practice! “Thank you for the chance to celebrate my craft!” I love to audition! I love to audition! I’m so good at auditioning!¬†Can’t wait to audition!

Invest in¬†good headshots… ? blerg… hate to spend money… Can’t my¬†bestie just do it?

Get one paying gig… anywhere… anything…¬†Rebuild resume… Network… PERFORM! Love the stage again. Revel in the play and laughter of rehearsal¬†and take it seriously.

Perform with¬†Africa Heartwood Project…¬†traditional chorals/ basic percussion…

Get a drum of my own.

(Re)learn¬†guitar… Progress… My wrist is tight but fine. It will stay fine. Play through it.¬†

Play the piano. I have such a pretty little [poor neglected] piano.

Travel. Go to a new state. See a new country.

Cruise for the first time, possibly (friend’s June wedding if I’m not in a show)

New York for another wedding (and if so, all of New England!)

At least one old festival and one new festival

$ Oh yeah, money. I’m over it. Poverty is not this life’s¬†sacred! Money. Thank you. $

Continue African Dance… Add Afro-Brazilian (Samba Fogo) and/or Zumba weekly…

Learn poi. 

Add three¬†elements to hooping repertoire…¬†PRACTICE…¬†more fluid and dance-y-like…

Conquer¬†blinding dizziness of ¬†LED hoop… Use it, silly! (smaller diameter than I like)

Get my own fire hoop… ? … At least spin again in someone else’s.

Jog the steps of the Capitol at least once a week.

GET UP GET UP GET UP!¬†I slept the first half. Now it’s fun. Wake up and LIVE!

When you joked, “… epitaph will read, ‘Lovingly gave half her life to sleep,'” you didn’t know you were manifesting the first half, did you? Get up, little wildfire. Don’t be afraid anymore to live out loud. It is what you came here to do. Get up and do it.¬†

“If you asked me what I came into this world to do, I will tell you: I came to live out loud.” Emile Zola¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†

me, too… ūüôā¬†

I only just began to understand that I can let go my Screaming Banshee and live out loud.¬†She had a job, to protect me and¬†insist on personal truth. I don’t need protecting anymore. Life isn’t so scary anymore.¬†My truth is finally pleasurable. What a relief!

I freaking love 40. Happy New Year!

(P.S. Totally didn’t mean for my [first] vision board to match my bedroom. Isn’t it pretty?)


The Changing Face of Wanderlust

I’m considering that this¬†bout of melancholy could be close to a midlife crisis. I find that as interesting as I do startling. I¬†mourn the loss of wide-eyed hope, and fear myself becoming a bitter, dashed old spinster… but better that than a bitter, dashed old house frau. Not that I think little of homemakers;¬†Rather, I think so much that I resent the carelessness with which so many enter into that bargain.¬†I always¬†wanted¬†a baby, but I knew¬†I wanted my¬†time first so that I’d have¬†nothing to work out¬†on, through, or because of my precious children. I knew I’d be older than the cultural Morm (ha!). I hoped to be more available to my kids¬†than our mom could be to us. So many people in this area start families¬†with so little forethought and imagination that they wonder why they feel empty and unfulfilled later in life, and then they judge my wild abandon as “fleeting” pleasure, not true¬†and lasting joy. The grass is always greener, as they say. Sanctimonious bastards, I say (hee).

I’ve had¬†desperate yearnings lately to get out! Get in the car and drive! I’m so in love with Salt Lake that even considering leaving this beautiful place makes me miss¬†my¬†city¬†on the daily to-and-fro. I look at her with a pensive, oppressive longing, as though she were already gone. I don’t even own a car, yet I find myself thinking, “F*** it. I’m getting a $2,000 beauty, AAA, and¬†hitting the open road!” “I don’t care anymore!”

I had¬†a strange flight of fancy. What if I got an apartment in Pocatello? I could get some job or another like I always do, and BANK every month on the cheap, cheap rent. It’s entirely likely¬†that I would see my busy,¬†far-flung friends more often if I came to town once a month, say. People always get together when out-of-town¬†friends¬†visit. I’d actually see my people more! And then my flight of fancy scared me. A buzz came into my chest and I¬†felt the whisper, “Daily walks with Grandma.”

Suddenly, I saw myself spending the next 5 years in the garden with my 87-year-old grandmother. I would remember how to live simply, with dirt under my nails. I would grow flowers and urns of herbs.¬†I’d make my homemade walnut, basil¬†pesto and pork roast for us and whomever of my aunts, uncles and cousins that stopped by. We would talk. We would not. Grandma’s a healthy,¬†active, spry¬†87, but she is 87. Can I imagine her in her 90s? Do I have 5 years? My god, I must have NOW with my grandmother.

Am I moving to Pocatello, Idaho? Good lord, I would never have imagined such a thing. When she dies, I will take my savings and travel, travel, travel, or buy a little homebase for a garden, and travel, travel, travel. I need to see my Grandma. It’s time to buy a car. Even if I don’t move, I will drive¬†up often to make dinner together. I need to see my Grandma.

The Dream Delivered

I feel so out of touch! I lost my internet connection, i.e. the unsecured network I’m snaking off of for free, so finally I got my ass down to the library to reconnect with the blogosphere. I very quickly came to love this form of processing my emotions, so it’s nice to be back.

So Dreamboat from Rhode Island showed up for our date, after all, and it was, well, dreamy. We saw each other, oh, 5 or 6 times before he left. He showered¬†me with such playful, giddy,¬†delicious, passionate attention, I was over the moon. He was completely cool with me not wanting to have sex with him. You never know if a stranger meets a cute girl and thinks, “Well, hell, if there’s a chance I’m getting laid I’ll spend my time here.” I made it clear that a week’s borrowed dalliance was not the circumstance I seek for that level of intimacy, and we proceeded to explore my beautiful city with gallery strolls,¬†leisurely hikes, fine meals, casual snacks, and days and nights of endless sighs and kisses. He had a subtle, teasing sense of humor and I cannot say enough how thoroughly delightful it was to get to know him.

In fact, it¬†hurt my heart a little to let him go. In fact, I actually cried. Who knows what else was stirring? You know how that is. “What is going on?” I¬†found myself wondering.¬†“I’m nowhere near PMS.” But cry I did, just a little, and it felt fine. By darn, I think I fell a little in love with a dreamy boy from Rhode Island and, oh my goodness, am I glad I met him! Bless my strange, enchanted¬†luck for our chance encounter and my friendly smile, but, oh!¬†I miss his dreamy eyes. (Also, he’s impossibly handsome and it’s ridiculous how perfectly built and sexy he is. *groan*)

Rhode Island, I called him, was just the inspiration I needed to believe again that everything I wish for in partnership can be mine. I want love! Passionate, exciting, curious, playful, intelligent, inquisitive, tender, teasing, giggling, hungry, voracious, deep, abiding love. 

So I’m definitely buying a car in June. If neither of us has a romance in Fall, I’m driving out to see the New England colors, and¬†Maine (lighthouses!), VERMONT (I’ve always dreamed of seeing Vermont!),¬†at long last New York, and a boy I call Rhode Island.