Dating Problems Unrelated To Age

Assholes. Unreasonable demands. People void of self-awareness. Lies.

I guess the only age-related problem here is that I foolishly think I can find and see through red flags better than I could as a young person, so I get duped.

I made-out with an old friend at Building Man. It was both silly and giddy, and meaningful and lovely. He lives in Las Vegas now, but still makes trips to Utah for the big community events. He contacted me on Facebook immediately after the festival to propose a visit to his property. I replied that I wasn’t willing to pay for Vegas. He offered to pay. I was uncomfortable with that, so we discussed meeting precisely in the middle for Cedar City’s Tony Award winning Utah Shakespeare Festival! I was so excited!

I told him upfront that I’m seeing other people. He appreciated my honesty.

He needed a place to stay this weekend to coordinate his 25th Earth Jam (moved to June due to frequent April rain). With Jax’s permission, I offered my couch.

We had a great first day together. Spent the whole afternoon at a volunteer/ artist picnic. I was glad to be involved so intimately with an event, at last, and to finally be useful without getting in the way. I have significant anxiety about not being self-directed at these things, so I find myself not contributing beyond hugging (spanking) people at various greeter stations. (I was born to say hello!)

The next day I worked, and he borrowed my car. (His is broken down in my driveway!) He mentioned getting coffee with a friend after running various errands. When he picked me up at the end of the day, he was visibly shaken. I was happy to lend a listening ear. Until I got the information.

He had been engaged to the girl he met for coffee as recently as FEBRUARY, and ghosted her completely when he left for Vegas. Never spoke to her again. She moved on, and met him Monday to show him her engagement ring. So much did he consider this woman his fiance that he thought she’d bought her own ring for their engagement! He was “blindsided” to learn she was marrying someone else.

We were shopping for groceries by now, and I focused on the task at hand while he droned on and on about the betrayal! He even feigned guilt for lying to me!

“I mean, I guess I shouldn’t be sharing this with you,” he confessed. “I didn’t even tell you about her.” (He also complained that I wasn’t there to entertain him Saturday night, when my prior plans were communicated before he agreed to stay with us!)

He’d thanked me before, for being forthcoming, and withheld the truth himself. Caught in it now, he didn’t even apologize but demanded a sympathetic friend!

I walked ahead and ignored him. He excused himself again and again.

“Sorry, this is gonna take me a minute.” (Hours.)

I went to my room when we got home. He kept knocking on my door to talk about his problems! I told him I needed alone time. He complained that, as a guest, he didn’t have any. (You do. No one else is in the living room to interrupt your privacy, yet you invade my space to rob me of mine.)

Then the girl shows up at my house! HE HID IN THE BATHROOM. She asked if she could come into my room, where she sat down and started to cry! I helped her exit my sanctuary and got her a glass of water, when he swooped in to take her outside.

He returned blaming her “issues” on “female problems.”


Do you think you can fool me now?!

I asked if he was moving on to his collaborator’s home the next day, as planned. “Oh,” he stammered. “I haven’t been able to get ahold of her yet. Can I stay another night?”

“What are your plans after that?”

“Well, I went to my storage unit today. My trailer has a flat. And I still haven’t fixed my Jeep.” (Haven’t tried, you mean to say.)

“So you’re renting that U-Haul, then,” I replied.

He confessed he was hoping his partner would loan him her truck, and then he’d see about fixing his tire.

“But you haven’t contacted her yet. What are your plans?”

He promised to figure something out and leave today.

I forced him to leave this morning with me. I dropped him at Trax and took my key. “I’ll call you when I get off work. You can meet me to get the rest of your stuff.”

I’m disgusted.

Boys Club

boys club

I agree that her comment was reactionary and ridiculous, but his, to my view, was shockingly invasive. By linking all women with those working in the sex industry, simply because we have the same parts, he made the entire audience, including me, think of that woman’s genitals. Humiliating for her, shameful for him.

And completely off topic, by the way. He didn’t answer the question. He just used age-old misogyny to deflect the issue. Her question was stupid. An informed reply would have been far more powerful. I find this more and more disturbing upon reflection. So much degradation against women isn’t even perceived, much less replaced by equity, enlightenment, discourse, respect, and cooperation.

Disappointing also is the fact that this “haha!” is spreading on the web, touting his reply as clever, cute even. “Oh, he shut her down!” No, he didn’t. He simply demeaned her. It’s the 50s! “Don’t you worry your pretty little head.”

In modernity, it’s far more crass. He’s talking face-to-face with a woman he does not know and referring to HER sex organs. He’s talking about HER vagina. And it’s funny. It’s disgusting! And how many thousands of people – according to this meme – obviously see absolutely no problem with that? I can’t even touch on the subject of being equipped by nature to be a whore. Those with a penis are allowed to “Be all that they can be,” in the Armed Services and the world, while women are here to get them off. Still!

Imagine being a woman in the military! I really can’t. Rape is rampant and we all know it.

I know we don’t live in an equal society, but I’m not consumed by differences in the way the genders are perceived and treated. This one just got under my craw. How can people be passing this along to one another thinking his little zinger is so funny, and no one notices the larger message to young girls? If their parents don’t catch it, how can we hope they’re teaching their daughters the truth about their value? I guess I really didn’t believe that this generation was receiving the same message ours did, where their entire worth resides.

Am I truly only seen as emotional and vaginal?

Makes the mantra not so trite: I AM NOT MY BODY.

Incidentally, how many of you have been raped? I have. My best friend, too. That’s too many in a small population of girlfriends. It’s attitudes like this general’s that slide under the radar as harmless and keep women and girls in danger, viewed as commodities. Parts.

(My lifestyle put me in danger, but my bestie was an 18 year-old virgin.)
(I still didn’t deserve it or do it to myself. A rapist did it to me.)

Makes the mind swim with the reality of sex trafficking in the larger world. How blessed I am to live in such comfort, leisure, and safety. Comments like General Cosgrove’s keep us turning a blind eye to a problem that isn’t ours. It may seem like a leap, but I believe these casual, seemingly innocuous views of a woman’s worth and the pervasive acceptability of dismissing and degrading The Anonymous Her is symptomatic of a greater global sickness.

(I believe that gender inequality, while harmful to women in obvious ways, also short-changes our boys and men. We’re all in it together, yo.)privilege(My cousin had this quote on his Facebook page so I clicked on it to save and post here. Not even kidding, it’s from “Women’s Rights News.” Yeah, if you want to think about my body in the context of the Republican Party, geez! Don’t even get me started! It begins to make more sense why he posted this. He and his awesome wife are very, very, VERY politically active here in town.)
in this togetherPolk & Broadway
San Francisco, CA
1/3/13 – 2/11/13

I voted on this billboard in October 2012 at San Francisco’s Burning Man Decompression.

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