I try, I really try. That’s what we’re all doing here. Hence, they must be trying, too, but from my perspective my family is comprised of walking shells. “Turn a blind eye…” Repression, fear, and the unexamined self make for superficial, unfulfilling relationships that I cannot abide. I devolve into my lowest self, that angry brat who insists she will be HEARD, dammit! The more I demand it, the more they zombie out. For me, they are crazy-makers. I have to walk away. It is the act of courage it takes to grow up at long last and, in future, treat them and myself with gentleness, respect, and love. Developmental trauma’s a bitch. But I continue to repent myself, re-parent myself, forgive all of us and look on the whole sorry lot with tenderness and compassion. For now, I can do it only from the outside looking in.
“Friends are god’s way of making up for family.” I have been blessed with the companionship of like partners who treat each other as the therapist’s couch, and laugh and cry and love and hug and connect. There is nothing superficial about my urban family.
I never dreamed that my family of origin and I would fail, but the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result, as they say. They cannot be different. I must be.
Grow up, Darling Daughter. The time is now. Forgive. And remember, you cannot perceive the future. Not even with your connection to Spirit.
“… which they dismiss as utterly insane!” I scream back at my angels. I’m loath to let go my screaming little banshee. She protected me for a long time.
We’ll love in our own broken way. At an arm’s length that is miles and miles long. My heart breaks to acknowlege my personal truth. Historically and currently, my immediate family is harmful to my mental health. And I to theirs. Blah.
I miss them. I mourn the loss of a dream of domestic bliss with them.
I been cryin’. Must be Christmas.
(Super stoked for 2013! Hope we don’t all die next week. 🙂 hehehe.)