Well, it happened. I had a meltdown at the new job. I was plugging along just fine, behind and stressed, but fine. I haven’t put too much pressure on myself to be 100% just yet, because I only took over the reins entirely one week ago. But then I woke up with excrutiating back pain. Bad-enough-to-see-a-doctor pain. I don’t do that. “It’ll pass.” Then I ran into a roadblock with a stupid Excel spreadsheet. (“Why the hell are they using Excel for this?”) One or the other I could bear alone, but combined – bam! I lost it. Everyone was so worried and attentive, which only made it worse. (“Just let me go to the supply closet for 2 minutes. Don’t look! Nothing’s happening here!”) I hate getting caught being human.
I feel like my body is falling apart. It’s nearly June and I’ve been in pain ALL YEAR. I’ll tell ya, I don’t know how people with chronic pain conditions function in the day-to-day. It consumes everything! I have a secret fear that I am now one of those people. This crazy auto-immune diagnosis and unremitting pain for six months straight? Please don’t let me be one of those people. It will go away. It will go away…
As for the spreadsheet, it doesn’t work. I’m changing it. And the pain will go away.
Also, I love the people I work with. They’re, like, so nice!
First, all life is adaptive. This is Survival 101. Coping is a kind of adaptation. We do it as surely as we breathe.
Next, we each come with our own distinct natures, strengths and weaknesses. For me, gratitude is capricious; indignation, insistent… but so is dogged determination.
Ultimately, choice is how we cope. “It’s a choice. It’s a choice that you can make. This can be a cue for meltdown or a cue for coping.” -Dr. Phil
It’s hard for me to choose grace. Sometimes, knowing the task is mine alone to accept, forgive, and love unconditionally pisses me off. So sometimes I take the day off. But I always get back on that goddamned horse. As for nightmares? Well, you wake up.
Finally, Spring is balm to a savage soul. Thank god for fine weather this week and the freedom to be out sweating, chasing pockets of cold air, giggling as I pedal through downpours of fragrant falling petals.
“If your strife strikes at your sleep, remember that Spring swaps snow for leaves.” -Mumford & Sons
I’ve had it!
For various reasons, all of my Saturdays have been taken since Jan 28th. Naturally, I was hungry and happy to get back to African dance today. In that last class in January, and the week before, I noticed I had a hard time getting myself up off the floor. Any weight on my left wrist and, ouch!, I’d drop right back on my tush.
Today, by damn, I was going to class. A girl danced on a cast on her ankle once, for heaven’s sake. She looked a glorious fool, and good for her! I would stop by the pharmacy for a wrist brace after class… except I couldn’t even pull the blanket off of myself this morning without screaming out in pain. Grumble, grumble, a cranky way to rise. So I didn’t. I went back to sleep.
I’ll get my wrist brace Monday, and possibly make an appointment with my doc about old age and rheumatism. I have to see her about my thyroid again anyway. Waaa. Grrr.
My wrist hurts. You are spared my characteristic long-windedness. I can’t even complain!
“The morning breezes have secrets to tell you: do not go back to sleep.” -Rumi
Another day, my Sufi brother.