I’m In Love

I never loved anything so much in my life, though I confess I got a little sick to my stomach when I whispered to this baby that I love her more than I love my cats. And I took it back.

I never loved any human so much in my life. Meet my friend Farrah, trailing angels.
farrah
Texas was wonderful. My bestie had finished her beautiful new home, and we spent the whole time sitting. No makeup, no sightseeing, just baby! Her 4-year-old and I are cut from the same cloth (dancing, imagination, go go go), but this trip was about the little one. Balance will be restored again soon, I imagine, but who can resist an infant?

It might be tricky not to give all focus to Farrah. She really is special. There’s a reason they say that! There’s a reason for the Down Syndrome hashtag, #theluckyfew. We are!

I’ll remember to more fairly split my time on subsequent visits, but this trip was for Farrah, and she healed every last piece of me. I’ve been feeling fine for months. Guys & Dolls did most of the repair work, but I come home feeling 100% myself.

My god, I was gone so long. It makes me sad to realize how unaware I was.

****

Speaking of love, I decided against it with the Viking. It was a wonderful week that we ended the night before I left for Texas. He was pissed, but I thanked him and left warmly. Tried to, anyway. He wouldn’t even walk me to the door. He wouldn’t get up from the couch. It was a shock, but confirmation of intuition. It was a real boon to get that immediately. I needed in-real-time results of trusting myself.

Since Jax, I’ve felt a sense of inner panic. I doubted I could perceive red flags, or ever would again if I had once. I didn’t trust myself or my ability to read the signs. I was also scared that I might read into things that didn’t exist, simply because my ex-boyfriend and his new bride were so abusive in the house we shared for their sick honeymoon.

This week-long affair, however, seemed to come at just the right time, when I was ready to open my heart again, and with all the ingredients to show me that I can trust myself.

How wonderful to find that I can feel twitterpated again! I had so much fun with him. In fact, it’s kind of a bummer that we can’t do all the things we had planned. He was great company, game in a way a lot of guys aren’t. He played along.

Now I’m free to hope that my next inamorato can properly worship my glorious colors.

And there’s the real beauty: I’m talking Next! I don’t see myself as put out to pasture anymore, dried up and shriveled away. I still believe there’s a match for me.

I’m not in any hurry. I have the rest of my life. I don’t need anyone’s babies. Now that I’m not using a man for a stud, I can really find someone to love. Desperation does such sad things to us. I didn’t know that’s what I was doing, but it seems so clear now. I called it a “shared vision,” but I wanted a baby daddy.

Now I need nothing, and I have nothing to lose. Seems like a good way to find something.

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