I’m so tired. I can’t even come home starving from rehearsal and hope to feed myself without a curse-laden verbal assault.
The whole family was home again. The adults had thrown away Jax’s remaining food (rancid and molding, left over for more than a month) and cleaned the fridge. His dishes were washed and draining, and they had moved on to laundry.
My food was still out sitting on the table. Why?
I opened the fridge. It was clean and turned all the way down to zero. Warm. Empty. Carrie hurriedly began to put my food back in the fridge. Jax was right behind her.
I asked him how long my food – milk and dairy – had been left out. An hour.
Knock it the blank off, just a blanking hour, get the blank over it, get the blank out of here, we’re cleaning the blanking house, for blank sake, leave us the blank alone. And on and on and on until I left the kitchen.
I’d had a bowl of cereal 6 hours earlier, and danced for 4 hours. I’d forgotten my rehearsal snacks. I was shaking, I was so hungry. And he just launched into me, screaming and swearing. It’s illegal for a landlord to bar me free movement about the home I occupy, but the roommate loophole permits him to do anything. So he is.
I said simply, “It is not unreasonable for me to feel like you are wantonly destroying my property, because you are,” and went to my room.
They’re taking as much pleasure from warming perishable food as they are from freezing me out. (Why hadn’t she put it away and how long had the fridge been clean before I got home?) It’s been 59 degrees in the house for 3 days, until last night, when it dropped to 58. They finally turned the heat on today, for themselves, but she was bundled in blankets and sheets the other day when they were all here, yet again. Why didn’t he turn it on then? I think they came over that time just to see how cold the drastic seasonal shift had left the house for me. They weren’t here long, to my relief.
Jax came home twice after that, alone, just in-and-out stops, to drop off/ pick up whatever. He knew how cold it was. He wouldn’t turn the heat on for me. Or for his fish, for whom he used to heat the house during the day while we were both at work, to keep their water temp stable. He’s willing to torture his own animals to make me pay.
For what? His inability to remove me legally? He chose my departure date! I secured my new home according to his plans. I didn’t do this by myself. Any of it. Trust a friend, risk my health, wait ’til October to leave a once-loving home. I do not understand.
He completely changed personalities once the marriage was official, and he’s completely taken the reins since, and great pleasure in it. I think he’s evil.
He followed me to my room, and barked mocking intentions through the door to replace my food, demanding a list of it. (Look in the fridge, if your intent is anything other than bringing hate and fear to my one remaining safe place. It’s empty, except for the food I had perfectly planned to last one week.) I told him to drop it and leave me alone, shielding myself from him with my bedroom door, as I opened the front door and left.
I ordered drive-through junk food and ate in the car, sobbing. I have nowhere to go! My friends all moved, and everyone else in my “urban family” is old and unavailable.
I’m so tired.
Only one more weekend. I won’t be alone. They won’t harass me in front of my movers.
I don’t understand. I just don’t understand. I was sick when I was mad at him, and he’s officially surpassed the length of time that I spent punishing him. I know we share responsibility for the choices we made as a couple. I know well the hideous difficulty of loving a person with this kind of illness. I was getting better. I invited him to a long talk, in which I apologized and ached for what I’d put him through. I promised it wouldn’t happen again. I was feeling the gradual effect of my meds, and putting my focus into packing, rehearsing, and moving. I was grateful to him and so sorry. Then, Carrie.
Jax alone is responsible for abandoning me when my illness got hard. He replaced me with a sociopath. He sees only the blameless damsel. I understand the satisfaction and purpose he must find in protecting her, but that has nothing to do with legally-binding contracts he made before she came along, and doesn’t consider at all the emotional promises he made. The shock has been how much enjoys torturing me under the guise of playing house. I hardly leave my room where they’re here. What’s to protect?
I’ve done nothing to these people. I’ve done everything I could to stay out of their way. They’ve created opportunities to brutalize me. I can’t stop crying today. It hurts.
Shouldn’t he be happily newly wed? Why is he so obsessed with me? Shouldn’t being in love and un-alone make it more bearable to tolerate space with a woman you hate? And why are you here if you hate me so much? If not merely to aim for my suffering, for some form of bizarre vengeance, and otherwise for the pleasure of pure cruelty? Go home! She has an apartment! I hadn’t seen him for a month until they decided to tag-team me in this gross campaign to – what? – kill me?
What a sick, small, petty, mean man. They’re here for sport. They’ve cleaned cupboards and a fridge, just a couple of hours work that could easily wait until my lease is through. He knows how clean I am. He knows I’m not leaving this place a mess. It’s not a bit about prepping their home. It’s about tormenting me while I’m in it.
They’re calculating, horrible people, and they actually have themselves convinced they’re victims of an unreasonable woman. You chose my departure date! How do you figure I have any control over this? My apartment is occupied until Sept. 30.
They’re here every weekend to party. WHY? I hadn’t seen Jax for a month, except for brief stop-ins. What’s changed? Only their first decision as a married couple, to torture a vulnerable woman – not yet stable on her meds – as a “family.”
I’m so tired. I’m worn down, depressed, and tired.
I came home from my binge, in a running car for over an hour, and Jax had, in fact, replaced the milk and mayo (but not yogurt, sour cream, or eggs). Why do it, if you’re just going to save face after? They didn’t think they’d get caught, is why. I’m sure he was right, that it was fine, but why? Just for the joy of doing harm, even potentially harmless harm. I will never believe that she didn’t leave the fridge on zero and my perishables out, on purpose. Jax wouldn’t have replaced a thing if I’d been none the wiser. I had come home with fresh veggies for a big, yummy hash with eggs that I’d been looking forward to all day, so I snapped a pic (ridiculed, of course) before hiding in my room.
They left me alone after I got home the second time. But then, I didn’t leave my room.
One week. One week.