Marko and I re-worked my drum today and I was able to demonstrate some of what I learned at Merveilles Utah on the giant new-old drum he refinished. Instead of my hands I used 2 beaters, and he threw down on the didge! We got a really good groove going, and I had a breakthrough. Some real emotions came up, new realizations, solutions.
I cannot ignore this pain any longer. I get to live with it. Living the solution, as a practice, is my new reality. It’s a committment and it starts NOW or every second, I crumple harder in on myself, shriveling to nothing but a broken pain-body, a bitter 90 yr-old woman at 42, who chose not to move gracefully with a devastating curveball.
You have to move with what life throws at you. It’s shocking to me how resistant I’ve been to that reality. When it was emotional pain I was living with – the resultant anger and heartache of a violent childhood and familial rejection – I refused to accept that I had to deal with it. I mean, you’ve seen me here, dealing with it. But I didn’t appreciate the emergency. I’ve accepted that forgiveness comes and goes. I forgive myself for the days that I’m angry all over again. But laziness, frankly, has kept me from making prayerfulness, grace, and forgiveness a part of disciplined practice. Those lofty ideals come to me in waves of good days or bad, depending on my transcendence or desperation.
But physical pain? Hahahaaaaaa. You’re not doing anything until this is resolved! Grrr.
Okay. I have Fibromyalgia. It’s a curveball. I’ve dodged it piecemeal for 3-and-a-half years. I can’t anymore. Challenge [begrudgingly] accepted.
Fibromyalgia must not win. I can gently nudge myself into a remission of the first real flare this disease has presented me. (I didn’t know that the “small” attacks and strange clusters of pain and annoyance were just a prelude to the real show. I can hardly breathe.)
This new temp position is doubling my income for the summer and enables to me pay down bills and save for my move, while implementing strategies today to journey with pain, reclaim my fitness, and get control of my life again (part of which is to give up control).
For me, spiritually giving up control and trusting the Universe is a discipline. To find freedom, I simply have to plug in the practice. I’ve been at war with my need of the Framework. “It’s not relaxed. I wanna be breezy. I’m so anal. I’m so stupid! I’m so controlling. To-do lists are for control freaks.”
No! It’s just who I am. I like a reliable schedule. I crave structure.
Lacking self-discipline is a real problem for me, because I resent outside-imposed order. I avoid situations in which others will tell me what to do and how to do it, but I’m not a self-starter. I end up not getting much done.
I need a list. I like lists! I have permission to make lists.
I’m allowed to know myself, and meet my needs. The Year of The Answer looks like this:
Make a list every day, even if it’s just “water plants.”
Acupunture – 1x / wk.
Yoga – 1x / wk.
Djembe – 1x / wk.
African – 1x / wk. (Dance when well; Drum when not.)
Cook ‘n’ Freeze – 1x/ wk. – Healthy Meal-Prep Sunday!
Hoop every day.
Write every day.
Get a car.
Hike – 1x / wk.
Practice w Marko – 1x / wk.
Didgeri-Chakral Therapy w Marko
Allergist (Stop viewing it as a nuisance, and treat it as the immune attacker it is.)
[potential] Regular Massage
I will beat this dragon back. I will not hate it for taking me over. I will mourn the loss of the pain-free, active girl I was and embrace the mature, active woman I am, still blessed in a beautiful, resilient body, and strong enough to KICK PAIN’s ASS!
For now, I’ve just got to get through it a little longer. This crisis will end.
IT WILL. It’s cyclical, I know it.
I feel my life here and my life there dovetailing. It’s possible I may leave this blog entirely after my move. We’ll see when I get closer. I will definitely take the above disciplined and successful practice with me to Idaho in October. pocatelloproject.wordpress.com
I used to say to the heavens, “I suppose if I have to cry the tears of the damned, I’m glad I have a healthy, pain-free, naturally-thin body.” (That’s a monster freebie for a girl with Binge Eating Disorder. I identify with The Biggest Loser bios, except for the consequence of size. That’s no small prize, and I’ve been thankful for it.)
These days I’m screaming, “We had a deal!” 🙂
I have a sense that the 2 are connected, and navigating one will benefit both.