This blog has served its purpose. I am worthy. It just happened. I’m still rather in shock. I’m certain I didn’t believe this transformation would ever take place. Instead, I expected to search and grow and learn for the rest of my life, which, of course, I will. But I’m worthy. I’m not trying to feel worthy. You know how it is when intellectual knowledge doesn’t match emotional truth. It does now. It was overnight. I suppose it was over 2 weeks in Spain. I’m grateful for the friend who attacked me. I was almost clinical about her brutality and chaos. At once, I released the need to demystify it. I don’t care, and I don’t need to. I have understanding and empathy for it, but no interest in it. Choose out, or don’t. I’m done.
I drew upon a strength and dignity I didn’t know I had. Or, I guess I did; I just hadn’t successfully applied it yet. For all of adulthood, I’ve bemoaned the many failures to stay above the fray, my repeated decision to return slight for slight. In Spain, I did everything right. My friend sought to injure and wound me nearly every day. I never mirrored her behavior. I didn’t tolerate it, either. I was firm. I insisted that she respect my boundaries. She didn’t. Still, I wouldn’t match her hatred. The last thing I said as I escaped her at the Hard Rock Hotel in Ibiza was “I don’t hate you.” It’s the first time in my life I didn’t respond to cruelty, disappointment, heartache, betrayal, or any manner of difficult emotion without hatred. “I don’t hate you.”
“I DON’T CARE!” she screamed, still hitting and scratching me.
I grabbed her wrist and met her eye! “I don’t hate you.”
I walked away.
I am filled with light and love. I’ve created and maintained a remarkable Chosen Family of beautiful, powerful, strange, delicious people who love me, themselves, all life, and the world. I am love, and the second I landed on home soil I walked into love. My life has been here all along. I’m finally in it, now. I LOVE MY LIFE.
¡Estoy bendecida! I am blessed!