Oh, I am a wicked girl!
I just sat down to report the glad, rather cute news that I think Mom and I are going to be pen pals. I got a Valentine from her with no mention of how I ought to behave, just a report on her goings and doings, with copies of pics of us after my show last Fall. I was prepared to write how sweet it is when the angry voice in my head screamed, “After TWO years?! TWO YEARS!!?”
OK. I’ma just have to suck it up and be gracious, but let me confess: it’s a concerted effort. Over Christmas, she mentioned that 2 of her sisters are fueding and it’s weighing heavily on my sweet Grandmother. That’s the only reason she cares that we have no relationship? Not because she loves me and wants to be in touch with me? I know she’s thought about me, but for TWO YEARS she has refused to speak (even when I required medical info or to tell me dad was having heart problems!!!)… why? Because I was bad? She’s teaching me a lesson? I have to pay for not sitting quietly during Holiday Hate-Mongering Hour?
Two years! I want to scream, “Too little too late!” But I have to be the grown up. Again.
I never had a parent. She wasn’t the worst. She was a provider, and I had extracurricular blessings – piano and dance – by some financial miracle (Mother’s sense of duty and determination, and Teacher, who let me dance a few years for free). I applaud her survival and strength, but I was hated and chastised for being a child when the only one whose childish behavior should have caused shame or scorn was HER! I’m so sick of having to accept… everything!
Now we’re just buddies.
OK. OK. That’s something. It’s real. I’m not being judged or reprimanded. I’m being accepted on my terms. I am grateful.
Stay calm, Little Firebrand. It doesn’t matter how long it took. It is now. Be in it.
Ohhhhh. OK. I love my mom. Her notes are so cute.